And the point is..?

Today I am awake earlier than usual (normally it's around lunchtime or after)- because of
a certain person waking me up. 3 times during the early hours. And no apology.
So now I am thinking what is the point of carrying-on with this person when all I get is
frustration and annoyance and other crap?
Do you believe that we are meant to have a bad or good life? Are some of us 'Blessed', while others are 'Cursed' (whatever you believe in)??
Or is it just simply a case of having too many bad experiences and becoming so f***ing accustomed to them that you feel... believe... that you are 'cursed'?

I can ask.. but for most of the time in writing my daily thoughts and experiences in here, I feel like a shadow or a ghost... because there is no one commenting or 'following' my blog.
Oh well. Sometimes it's best to be left alone.

Depressed

Do not know what to think right now.
Just depressed over comments made by my 'partner'. Not directly at me, but at her situation and the way she feels.
Just wish she would talk to me, rather than bottle it up or hide it from me. It can be frustrating living with another depressed person (not that I hate her or anything like that), especially when there is no change, and even more so when they have mentioned the change word in the recent past. If you get my drift.


Living with a person for over 5 years. And that person wanting to change.. but not doing it?
Also. When you do everything you can to help or help towards that desired change, and that person does nothing... well, I don't know, but err it doesn't really help, does it?.

Sometimes.... I feel so alone, even though I'm not.
Maybe I was meant to be a Loner all my life. Doesn't feel that way at other times, though.

Yet another cancellation.

Well today we were due to see our doctor, Dr. Death Part 2 (yes, I'll tell you about it one day.), but we didn't get to see him or any other doctor, as my other half didn't sleep well last night, plus she still had a headache.
I would've gone, because we have been told- in so many words- that unless she does go (for a "Review" of her current medication), then she won't get her meds this Friday (when she normally gets them).
Now to most people reading this, if there are any that is, this is simply not on/stupid/unreasonable/mad/crazy/a "WTF??" Moment.
Can a doctor really withhold a person's current medication? For a Silly Reason?
...Answers and suggestions.


On a more personal note, woke up this morning feeling crap as usual, and pondered on life and the Universe as usual. Came up with 42. (see: Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy for that one).
Okay no I didn't come up with 42. It's 57. But seriously, got me to thinking about my current life- whatever that means- and it hit me yet again how pathetic I am, at this stage in life. I don't have a whole 'life' ahead of me. I'm not a teenager. I haven't done anything really inspirational or awesome or relatively Amazing. And I'm unhappy about that, but, the way I saw it, laying on the sofa trying to hold up my eyelids, was there was no way whatsoever that I could change that. What was the point, at my age? I've never heard of a 40-something starting out in Graphic Arts, Photography, Carpentry, HTML/Java Genius or similar occupations or fields.
And then my mind shifted, to the single thought or premise of this: Start NOW.

All I can say for that, for now.

Hyperbole

Yesterday morning whilst trying to wake up, I did just that.. unexpectedly had a weird feeling come over me, like: I had just taken a jug load of speed (for those unaccustomed to the wiles (?)-of street drugs, Speed = Blues/hypegun/gabagaba/amphetamines).

It only lasted a couple of minutes, and I definitely wasn't still dreaming.
Oh well.

A Nutty Cat. And yeah, cute, gorgeous, adorable, etc.

Pain [Part 2]

Okay so I wrote some time ago.. no actually you didn't. Oh yea you're right, me. I wrote about Pain a few Posts ago, and err.. here is the continuation of that post.

I was in my room a few years back. This was before I met my partner, and after the trauma.
And, as usual, I had cut. And no, it didn't bring a release.
Anyway. I was just in a black, black pit, see? And there was no where out of that pit. And all I could do was cry, and it was then that I felt this huge, I mean gigantic, emotional pain, a pain that I have never felt before, ever. And it got worse. Bigger, more intense, rising inside my chest and then onto my throat, as if some kind of thing was inside of me, trying desperately to escape out of my body.
And after all of this, I just sat there in disbelief (as well as every emotion known to man bar happiness and related emotions). An Emotional pain that you feel, like no other pain that you have felt before, and that you cannot get rid of.

A Mad Moment, I think?

Woke up late (as often happens when you get to bed at 5.15am), and my mind was definitely not right (err.. bod, when is it?), I don't know if I was just imagining things or what...

Basically, it just felt.. odd.. and I had a picture in my head of my head/person being controlled electronically or psychically by some..thing. Couldn't determine for the life of me what the 'thing' was, just that it was either some kind of demon or another person. And as the demon's face moved, or moved some kind of strange contraption akin to a joystick, my head moved, or rather, I felt compelled to move it.
And NO, I was not still dreaming. It was real.

Oh well.

Stupid World

Hello, and welcome to Stupid World, where nothing is what it seems, everyone who claims money from the government is an ant, and people lie. A lot. Everyday.
...Yeah. I have just had a look at another blog that I have subscribed to. It's brilliant. And it's
written by a person who also suffers from depression. And other mental illnesses.
Basically, she had posted a comment on her blog in response to an article in the Daily Mail
written by a seemingly illterate journo on the dangers of giving money to those who claim benefits.
And that's where it all begins, this stupid, stupid, STUPID World, glossing over the truth, covering the facts, and not even caring about it whatsoever. Arseholes.
Have a look: http://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/

Update and other ramblings.

Ok first off, just wanted to shout. It is what I need to do, as a person with an illness that doesn't let up, holds you like a vice, and plays with your emotional state:
I HATE THIS F***ING LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. Done.

Now I want to do an update, for the sake of the ghosts (aka demons)-who are reading this
(well, no living person is, as they would leave a comment, so..).
Two weeks ago this Friday, I went for an Assessment at the MIND place in Purley (for any demons who don't know, MIND is an UK Charity that offers counselling ..amongst other services.. for those suffering from a mental illness); it went okay, to a point, well actually it didn't go okay... I mean how do you define 'okay'? in terms of talking about your darkest, most horrific moments?? You don't. It doesn't have any sense of okayness (?!)-about it whatsof***ingever.
So...  After waiting in the appropriately-named Waiting Area, the guy who was gonna assess me arrived and we went up to The Room.

I'm not going to go into details. Just going to say that it was very very difficult to talk about those things... to finally open up the 'Door' that is in the darkest recesses of me mind.
To tell a stranger things that happened to you that caused you to break down, that caused you to become a stranger to 'Normality'...that caused you to become... very ill.. suicidal.. self  harming.. seeing everything in Black & White, literally..feeling that I was and am to blame for everything... didn't want to eat.
Oh I could rattle off a whole f***ing LIBRARY of the things that I have gone through.
And no. I am not looking for sympathy or attention.

Depression.. when it is this severe, or .. when it affects the capacity to function as a human being, (actually, one of the things I was asked by the assessor was: What do you want from Counselling?, and my answer was? .."To feel Human."), is now (about time)- classed as an Disablement. Have a look at this: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/DisabledPeo/
..and that's a Govenment Page.

Damien Hirst Does It Again... Maybe

Read the paper today. Online. Well does'nt everybody? No? Why not? Save the planet, don't buy a paper today, new order.
Read that Damien Hirst, uber-hate figure of the tabloids, has a new exhibition on at the Wallace Collection, London.
Apparently, it did'nt go down too well with the critics....

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/art/6329047/It-couldnt-get-worse-for-Damien-Hirst.html

Tell me what you think (if anyone reads this blog, that is), and I'll contribute with my two pennies/cents worth.

The Bank.

Well I guess it was 'time for' another row, so we had one today.
It went something like this: For a few days now, I had'nt been able to use my other half's bank card at an ATM (I do the shopping, as she has a disability), and we have been trying to figure out why.
Well the only way to find that out was for her to go with me to the bank.
So this we did today.
Went up to the cashier's window (after having an argument with this stupid girl who 'kind of' pushed in)-and my partner told the cashier what was going on (or rather, was'nt).
The cashier then said that we had to use the provided phone to call this other office to sort it out.
So we went to the phone, and basically, because she was saying 2 or 3 different things at once to me, I was obviously more than a little confused about the whole thing, and she could'nt understand why...Shortly after this, I had a slight panic attack, which she noticed, and she did'nt try and calm me or anything!.

So anyway.. what was going on with her account was that for a reason that I would say is fucking STUPID, the bank had STOPPED (or "Locked")-the card, because they suspected fraud- that is, that because there had been various amounts taken out of the account over the period of one day, they suspected something was amiss. Yeah? So WHY did'nt they inform US the reason for locking the card, then??????.

Back at The Nuthouse (our flat)- the row got started.
....Basically. She was getting more and more frustrated that I was confused over what we needed to do about the whole card/bank thing. So because she was getting annoyed, so ..I got annoyed, and yep, it escalated. To the point where the panic attack I had had was mentioned, and said something that I've
completely fucking forgotten now- something along the lines of 'Well you're the one who had the panic attack' or similar. !!!!!????!!!!!! ...........................Yeah.
That threw me. Talk about being nasty or not caring.
So I said words to that effect, and later asked her to apologise, which she did, although the way that she said sorry was as if she did'nt really mean it!.

Shit Life.

Pain

When pain, that is, Emotional Pain, turns into Physical Pain.
That should be a Thesis.

To be continued, at a time when I am not half asleep and raising acid reflux.

I am not alone in this so-called template of The Illness.
The Illness, given it's proper name.. well, you choose. First we have:

• Clinical Depression (although it has also been called "Major depression").

Next, we have:

• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

And lastly, ladies and gentlefolkz, we have ..

• Some other mental disorder that is yet to be defined.

And yes ok I admit it, I love using the Italics button.

So.. where was I? Planet Nine, I believe. No that's wrong. Oh yeah... not being alone.
I have a companion with me along for the ride. Or rather along for the journey.
I have yet to figure out the name of my companion. I'll let you know when I am done.

In the meantime: I have started this blog, and the title is a reference to: A} How I feel, with The Illness that I have; and, B}The reality that I'm no longer the way I was. The old me is dead

Bye